Here’s what no one tell widows with young kids:
You’ll watch your children grieve in reverse.
In the 7.5 years since Ross was diagnosed, my adult brain has become acclimated to the loss of life as I knew it. Trust me, I haven’t “gotten over” it or even “accepted” it. But I have gotten used to it. I feel like a wholly different person than I was before Ross got sick, and the truth is, there is a lot that I appreciate about this new version of me. My grief - though it is an ever-present chronic condition - feels more familiar, more manageable. In this sense, it gets lighter.
But my kids’ grief gets heavier.
Rose and Luca were 3 and 5 when Ross was diagnosed. While Luca has some real memories of “the time before”, Rose doesn’t. Her memories start with a dad who was sick, who was in the hospital most of the time, who couldn’t take her to the playground. Ross, of course, found special ways to bond with her (eating rainbow sherbet together in his room at Roswell, watching TV shows together)…but by the time she was in kindergarten, he was dead.
While I am getting more used to my life without Ross, Luca and Rose are - in some ways- getting less used to it. They are starting to better understand the extent of what they lost. They are starting to grow into their grief. It looks something like this:
-Taking a bike ride with Rose and having to stop and just hug each after passing by a happy dad and daughter.
-Having to say “I don’t know” and sit with the sadness when they ask “Why did our Dad die from cancer but other parents survive? Why couldn’t our Dad live too?”
-Feeling an undercurrent of longing at every big family gathering, acutely missing Ross’s presence.
-Watching and rewatching videos of our life together in the “time before” so they can remember Ross, even when this feels excruciatingly bittersweet.
Rose is 11 now. That means she has spent more of her life without Ross than with him.
Finding meaningful ways of knowing Ross is more important than ever. I’m so proud of Rose for feeling her feelings, connecting with other grieving girls at Circle Camp, and always bravely asking questions. In years past, Ride for Roswell has been Luca’s thing, and while he’s still riding, this year, it’s Rose’s thing.
The best way to honor her grief is to see it, acknowledge it, and freely share stories about her amazing dad who did everything in his power to stay alive for us.
Please consider donating to Rosie’s ride!